Flirting, by my definition, allows a man and a woman to instantly and discreetly communicate your attraction and interest in each other, using a somewhat “safe” form of playful and fun way of communication.
So it gets rid of all the games that normally go on between a man and a woman where they don’t know if the other actually likes them in that way. So they’re playing hard to get. They’re doing all sorts of things that get in the way of things flowing from one step to the next. Right?
So with flirting, it becomes obvious for you and her that it’s “on”.
And flirting is something that pretty much all women know how to do, but most men don’t know how to do. And THAT is the first problem. So, what will often happen is that a woman will be flirting with a man, and he won’t even know it. He won’t know that she finds him sexually attractive and that she’s interested. So, I’ll explain where guys go wrong when attempting to flirt with a woman, the right way to do it, and the best way to approach it that instantly fixes all of the rookie mistakes that you’re going to learn about now.
So, the first rookie mistake that guys make when it comes to flirting is flirting with hesitation or visible nervousness. So, he has fear that his flirting will be unwelcome, and as a result, he starts displaying insecurity, fear, and hesitation, and that turns the woman off. So the flirting doesn’t work. But the thing is, women LOVE to be flirted with when you do it in the right way, so that it creates sexual tension between you and the woman. It’s something that works. It works all over the world. It works
instantly. And as I said, it gets rid of the games.
But if you do it with visible nervousness or if you’re hesitating, the woman then senses fear, self-doubt, and insecurity, and emotional weakness, those things will simply turn her off. She starts to feel like, okay, he’s trying to flirt, but he doesn’t really feel like he can pull it off. And it’s usually not well received. Another rookie mistake is “apologizing” mid-flirt or after it. So, for example he says something flirtatious and suddenly feels insecure about what he just said, and then apologizes – “Oh,you know. I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
Or, in the middle of him saying the flirty thing, says “I don’t know if this is appropriate or not, and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” And as a result, the woman senses his self-doubt and also senses his lack of social intelligence in this particular area? He’s just not confident in himself, and it definitely comes across as weakness.
As a result, that means that in a relationship, he’s probably going to be a little bit more hesitant in the bedroom. He’s probably going to be someone who lacks sexual confidence, and that’s not going to be enjoyable for her. So, her attraction switches off in the moment,and her guard starts to go up and the flirting doesn’t work. Another rookie mistake is needing to get a flirtatious response or reaction from her. And by the way, I’m going to give you some examples of what to say later.
But in terms of needing a flirtatious response from her or a flirtatious reaction from her, if the woman senses that when the guy flirts he is then sort of expecting that she’s going to flirt back and he kind of needs that, where he’s sort of like just waiting and hoping that she does something now and flirts back with him. Then she senses fear. She senses insecurity. She senses neediness, and that turns her off. So the flirting doesn’t work.
The final mistake guys make is ignoring her subtle flirting cues because he’s too focused on what to say next. So, as I said, most women know how to flirt. They get it, right? And a lot of the flirting that a woman will show to you will be very subtle and it won’t be an obvious thing where she is essentially saying that she finds you sexy and she wants to kiss you or have sex with you. That’s not flirting. Flirting is much more subtle. And sometimes, for example, a very common example, a woman will be sitting on a sofa with a guy and they’ll be feeling attracted to each other…she might touch him on his leg at times when he says something funny or might touch him on his arm or playfully tap him on his arm. And for many guys, they’re thinking maybe she’s just the touchy-feely. Maybe she just sees me as a friend. Maybe she just does that with everyone, right? He doesn’t understand that the woman, for example, is sitting on a sofa in his apartment or house, and she’s trying to show him in very subtle ways that she is comfortable with physical contact. So, he then talks himself out of thinking that she finds him attractive. And he just continues to talk to her in a neutral way and try to get along with her.
And she’s feeling attracted, but as a result of him not noticing that she’s giving him signals, her attraction just starts to decrease, right? She starts to realize that, okay, maybe he just doesn’t get it. Or maybe he doubts himself. Maybe he thinks that he’s not good enough for her. Or maybe he doesn’t find her attractive enough yet to want to initiate some touch. Right? She can start to re frame it in her mind that he doesn’t find her attractive enough. And what happens then? She then starts playing hard to
get, right? She wants to see if she can get him to try harder to show interest in her because now she’s starting to feel insecure. “Does this guy actually like me?”
Whereas, if a guy is confident and he understands flirting and how women flirt and how it’s often very subtle and he’s sitting on his sofa in his apartment or house after a date with a woman and she is touching him on his leg or arm occasionally, he is going to see that as her showing him that she’s comfortable with physical touch. And he can then flirt back with her in that moment by not saying anything.
I’ll give you an example of what to say, but he could flirt back with her by simply returning the touching on her leg the next time she says something funny or giving her a bit of a playful push when she says something cheeky or whatever. And he is showing that he’s also comfortable with physical touch and he gets what’s going on. But he can also say something flirtatious, which is also a bit playfully challenging at the same time. And that’s going to make her feel attracted by saying something like, “Oh, getting a bit touchy feely there, eh?” Or, “Hey, hey, keep your hands to yourself. I don’t “put-out on the first date.” Or, “someone’s getting very touchy, Mister, you can’t keep your hands to yourself, can you?” And sparks are going to fly between him and her from that moment onward, right? It’s “on”. He is communicating about what’s really going on. And he’s saying it in a playfully challenging way, which is going to make her feel attracted because women feel attracted to men who have that type of confidence and that type of social and emotional intelligence. To be able to say something like that, and have ability to flirt with her in that way and create that type of moment rather than her touching him on the leg or the arm and he just continues and he has a nice conversation with her and just wants to keep talking. She’s giving you the green light. “I’m touching you on the leg here. I’m touching you on the arm. I’m showing you that I’m comfortable with some physical touch.”
She’s not saying that she definitely wants to have sex with him right then and there just because she touched him on the leg or arm, and she’s not promising sex, but she’s trying to show him that she’s open to something more. She’s open to physical touch. She’s comfortable enough around him to the point where if he attempted to make a move now, she’s most likely going to be receptive towards that. I can’t say 100% because every woman will still want to play a little bit hard to get because she may feel like the guy has way too much power in the dynamic between him and her, to the point where she wants him way more than he wants her. It’s called “the Anti-Slut defense”. She has to act like a “good girl”, at least a little bit.
So, now let’s look at the right way to flirt with women. The right way to flirt with women is without needing anything in return. So, essentially, when you flirt with a woman, you can’t be expecting her to give you anything in return. Any sort of flirtatious response or an excited reaction. Instead, for flirting to really work, you have to flirt without expecting anything in return from her because you’re so confident. You’re so confident that you can flirt with her, be rude to her, and treat her like “a bratty little sister“ – which is actually a technique pick-up artists use.
No, you believe in yourself so much that you are not doubting yourself in any way, and you can flirt with her and just put it all out there. And as a result of that, she feels attracted to your confidence. She senses that you’re not a needy guy. You’re what I refer to as an emotionally independent guy, meaning that you can feel good about yourself regardless of how people are behaving around you.
That is very attractive to women because it takes a lot of emotional strength. Women are attracted to emotional strength in men and turned off by emotional weakness. So, when you flirt with a woman and you just put it out there and you don’t expect anything in return at all, she senses that and she feels attracted to you. And therefore, the flirting is welcomed because she is being flirted with by a guy that she is feeling attracted to. Another part to flirting in the right way is to do it while owning your words, owning your behavior, your energy, your language without apologizing for it.
And finally, you flirt with a woman while noticing and responding to her subtle flirting cues. You’re noticing and responding to what’s going on. You know that she’s flirting with and it becomes a private understanding between you and her that “it’s on”. And that gets rid of all the games, right? There’s no need for pretending anymore.
It’s a discreet understanding so, there’s no need to play it cool and pretend that you’re not interested in her. There’s no need for her to play hard to get and hopefully make you want her more because it’s on.
And finally, the best way to get it right, in a way that fixes all the rookie mistakes is to flirt while displaying attractive behaviors. And you may have begun to understand that as I was explaining things earlier. You may have begun to realize that, oh, right, if you flirt in an insecure way, it’s not going to work. But if you flirt in a confident way, it’s going to work because she’s feeling attracted to that, right?
So, it’s not necessarily just about what you say. It’s more about how you say it and what is behind what you’re saying, right? The energy behind it, the body language that you’re displaying, the vibe It’s with those things that the woman is going to be feeling attracted to you or not.
So, with another example of what to say, a classic example that I give guys to use that always works. A beginner can use it. Even guys who are intermediate, or advanced use it, and it always works.
But it’s really fun for a beginner to use, because when you say it, you see the woman smile , like, “What? Oh…Yeah.” And she feels that playful challenge that you are lightly flirting with her at the same time, and it creates a little spark between you and her.
So, for example, you’re interacting with a woman, and she’s attracted to you, and it’s pretty obvious that she likes you. So, you then flirt with her by saying something like, “So, where are you taking me on our first date?”
So, it’s something that not only playfully challenges the woman in the moment where she feels that shock …and she laughs, but you’re also flirting about the idea of you and her taking things to the next level.
You’re flirting about you and her going on a date together. So, now the conversation has changed from her feeling attracted and it being pretty obvious that she likes you, to now you and her starting to talk about going on a first date. And if she really likes you at that point, she will usually say, “Isn’t it the guy who has to take a woman out ?”
Or she may play along and say, “I’ll take you to …so and so. If she’s getting it, and up for the chase, she might say “Me. Shopping.
And things are now progressing for you and her. You’re flirting about the idea of you too being somewhere “together”. And you can take that further and start to flirt about other things as well. But you’ve initiated that type of conversation, and it seems obvious that she is giving you the green light.
Some guys will ask themselves “Does she really like me, or is she just friendly like this with everyone? And what will happen for many guys is that they’ll continue to talk and talk and talk. And what will happen then, is that the woman will start to wonder, why isn’t this progressing? Why is he just talking to me? Why is it starting to feel neutral now? Why isn’t there a sexual spark? Why aren’t we flirting with each other? Why is this stuck at just talking and getting to know each other? Does he actually find me attractive enough? Or does he just want to have sex with me me, and that’s why he’s talking to me?
… and all of a sudden she starts putting her guard up. She starts playing hard to get. And what happens for many guys is that when they see the woman start to put her guard up and playing hard to get, they start feeling like they’re getting rejected. They’ve lost her interest. They’ve screwed things up. It’s over.
And then the guy then starts becoming nervous and insecure around her. And she notices and her attraction for him starts to decrease. And he notices that she’s losing even more attraction for him, losing even more interest.
“What the heck just happened there?” She was really into me apart,me,and it just fizzled out. It fizzled out because HE didn’t continue to flirt with her and take things to the next level.
He just stayed at the point where she was attracted to him and he didn’t know how to take that further. And with flirting, it’s something that you can use at that point in the interaction to make sure that things don’t fizzle out. But if you’re confident enough, you can also use flirting right away. And I have a couple more examples of what to say to flirt with a woman. But before I share those with you, I’ll share something else.
And that is, when I first started going out and attracting women; I figured out that you can actually make women feel attracted to you. I was starting to get good at flirting. I wasn’t amazing at it. But I was still able to add it in a little here and there. But in almost all cases, I didn’t have the guts to add in the flirting right away. But when I became more comfortable with flirting and I saw how well it created that private understanding between myself and the woman, where we both knew “it was on,” and then I started to feel more and more comfortable doing it, and it was working, so I did it more and more often. And eventually it got to the point where when I started talking to a woman, I would immediately just start doing it. You can do that if you truly are confident and have experience with women. And it immediately gets rid of all the games immediately, right?
But you don’t have to do that right away just to get results. As I said, you can add in flirting as you’re interacting with a woman at any time for a little extra spice to the conversation. And it’ll create a little fun and innocent sexual tension between you and her. And if you add it in after a few minutes or 5 minutes or 10 minutes, then at least you’re adding it in.
You can call it “Batting Practice”. At least you’re creating that spark. And at least you’re trying for yourself, and when you do it right and notice that it instantly creates sexual tension between you and the woman, it makes things more fun.
So, another example of flirting is if you’re talking to a woman and it’s obvious that she’s feeling attracted to you and she then says something like “I really like your shirt”.
What are you going to say in a moment like that? Most men use the default response of “thanks or thank you”, right? When you get a compliment, you say thank you. And if you say thank you when someone gives you a compliment when you’re younger or even when you’re older, it’s just a nice way to handle a social moment like that. It’s like, “Oh, yeah, thanks.”
But when you’re talking to a woman that you have a sexual interest in and you want to create sexual tension between you and her, it’s not just going to be a neutral, friendly, forgettable conversation. That’s when you add in flirting, right? So she says something like, “I really like your shirt.” And you can say something like, “Yeah, and you’re cute, so what should we do about it?” But with a tonality that kind of suggests playfulness and kidding around. Or you could say something playful like, “Oh yeah? Well,you can’t have it, it’s mine…unless you want to swap, it; because I like your shirt too…hey, and we can swap right here….” (start pulling off your shirt, motion her to do the same)
Oh, there are so many directions you could go with it… OR you could say something even sexier like “You just want me to take it off, so you can see my sexy 6-pack abs, don’t you… ya’ little perve !”
A lot of times, just being playful and teasing a little in a fun and slightly sexy way is effective. I learned many years ago from a PU (pick-up artist) that a lot of times, you just need to keep the mindset of fun. Its also called “framing” the interaction, as in framing things in a context of fun, teasing, and light-heartedness. You two are just goofing around and you are tease her like a bratty little sister. It works really well for some guys, but your”frame,”technique and your words should match your personality and hers, so that there is congruence with your image. For example, if you are a a skinny and nerdy computer typewith no 6-pack, type of guy, you wouldn’t make the comment about the 6 pack abs…it’s just not congruent with your image…
But overall, whatever you say when you are flirting, just don’t worry about it too much. Relax, be a fun, teasing, playful version of your sex. if she gets turned off by anything you say, just forget about it and move on…. don’t be so sensitive. After all, it’s just “Batting Practice”. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, especially when they are first getting out there and socializing IRL…
If you have confidence and you’re self assured, when you’re delivering a flirtatious line, it’s going to be much more welcomed. It’s going to be much more enjoyable for the woman because she’s feeling attracted to you too, right?
Another example is if a woman asks you and she challenges you in the moment and she says, “Do you say that to all the girls?” Or she asks, “Do you say that to every girl?”
And what are you going to say in that moment? For most men, they probably won’t know exactly how to respond to that type of question… and they are going to start to display unsuredness, nervousness, and emotional weakness. They’re going to start to worry, panic, and feel like they’ve just screwed up, because they don’t know how to answer her….. and those emotions just makes things even worse…
The woman is going to sense the guy’s nervousness and panic, and she’s going to realize that he cannot handle a bit of a challenge like that. And that is unattractive to women because they want a guy who’s emotionally stronger than them, right? They don’t want a guy who’s emotionally weaker, that they feel like they have a “needy” type of guy on their hands, and not a “real” man,
So, if a woman said to you, she asked you the question, “Do you say that to every girl?”
What are you going to say? How are you going to feel in that moment? There are many ways that you can respond to that to display emotional strength, but a flirtatious example is to say something like, “Only the ones I want to see again.” Or a smart-ass response like ” Yeah, Usually, Why? “. Sometimes women just like to test you… to see if you’ll cave-in and fold like a house of cars, or if you are a guy that sticks by his guns. It’s not disrespectful…it’s actually the opposite….she’s interested in you, and her tests are devised to see if you are the type of real man that she desires.
So for a guy who doesn’t understand that, he will see those sort of tests as a rejection of him or as a moment where he’s completely stuffed up the interaction. Right? She is now asking, “Do you say that to every girl?” So he’s thinking things like, “Well, does she think that I’m just saying typical lines or something? Does she think that I’m some sort of guy who goes around picking up women?” And so on.
By the way, women are actually very competitive with each other, and if she thinks you are successful in meeting women, she will put more effort in keeping your attention, if she thinks other women are also vying for your attention. It’s purely biological and I suppose comes from evolutionary roots.
But when a guy who can say to her, “Only the ones I want to see again”, lets her know you want to chase if she wants to join in the game.
See? It’s most effective said playfully and kinda’ only half serious…. which seems to be a “safety zone” you and her can both communicate in, so that deniability or “oh I wasn’t serious” can always be claimed if things get uncomfortable. It’s a little like play-acting and possibly serious if you both wanted it to be.
And she realizes that he’s not panicking in the moment and he’s flirting with her. And how is it flirting? Well, he’s showing her that he finds her attractive and he wants to see her again. And, because he’s saying it with confidence and presence and secure masculinity, he doesn’t feel ashamed and afraid to be a man in the moment, and to look upon her as a desirable feminine woman. She feels attracted to his courage, his bravery, and balls, right? His confidence, his security, and his masculinity.
The fact that he’s not ashamed, he’s not apologetic of being a man, and attracted to nice looking women like her. And he’s able to maintain his cool. In other words, he’s able to remain composed. And that is very attractive to women, right? They want a guy who has emotional strength. It’s very attractive to them. And with flirting, guys can get laid, get a girlfriend, and even get the spark back if he is in a current relationship, just by saying those types of things, right?
But eventually, you get to the point where you can flirt with a woman without even saying anything. It’s more about your energy and body language, essentially your “Vibe”. The way you carry yourself, the way that you’re looking at her. And that’s the mastery level of it.
But you don’t need to get to that point right away. You don’t need to worry about it…You’ll get there in quick order. You can get results by saying flirtatious things as long as when you’re saying it, you’re displaying attractive non-physical traits, right? So, confidence rather than insecurity. A relaxed attitude, instead of high energy nervousness.
The biggest thing I see in most guys just starting out, is that they CARE too much about what they say, then get nervous, and the conversation just turns into a dumpster fire. They aren’t comfortable, and women pick it up. They are forcing the words. And they aren’t relaxed and having fun… and how is the woman supposed to be relaxed if you are a nervous wreck ?
To help get comfortable talking to women, and you are petrified of them, you may want to FIRST, just try to catch a woman’s eye on the street and just saying “Hi”. Or at the grocery store, at the clothes store, at the cashier, simply anywhere women are….and especially women you aren’t attracted to…because if you fail with them, it really doesn’t matter, does it ?
I call this “Batting Practice”. And when you are comfortable with that, try saying other things…make small talk… make shit up even.
I always heard a funny phrase years ago…and that is “It’s not a lie, if your flirting…. It’s especially fun when you make up something up that is so outrageous and wild, that it’s obvious that it’s a lie.
If you say “Hi, how are you ?” to a cashier, and she asks you the same thing…you might want to say something funny, untrue, and dramatic.
I have always liked “If I was doing any better, I’d be guilty of something.” and add something ridiculous like “I just bought 2 Ferrari’s today and got a date with Sydney Sweeney tonight”
It doesn’t really matter what you say…it really doesn’t. So don’t ever be nervous. Nobody really cares.
Most people are too worried about themselves, just like you were, until you read this/
“If people really cared more about you than themselves, you would REALLY be in a lot of trouble”
But Fortunately, most people are too into themselves and worry what they are doing, to really put much thought toward little ol’ you.
Another thing….to make the most progress, HAVE FUN OUT THERE !!!
It’s no big deal if you screw something up or say the wrong thing or “turn off” a hundred women. It’s gonna happen – A lot. So what?
Did you know that most Guru-level pick-up artists (MPUA’s) out there only succeed about 10% of the time, or less? Yup. True.
So they have made a fool of themselves 90% of the time. But it’s OK – that’s how the game is played. We are trying to meet people we don’t know very well, and we don’t know what or how they think, or feel, or think is funny or isn’t. So what ?? Not everyone is going to like you ! Big deal !
I have another phrase I live by – “Some will, Some won’t, So What?, Someones else is waiting for me“.
Do a lot of batting practice…get outside your shell, and get good at talking to people in general. As soon as you feel at ease just talking to strangers, you will develop a comfort and ease doing it naturally, and you will start just being yourself.
Once you do that, work on some imaginary comebacks to things that might be said…like the “nice shirt” comment.
If you do batting practice and slowly build up comfort with people, which in turn builds confidence, you will finally come to the realization that this stuff is a lot easier than you thought it was. Go slow, take one step at a time, don’t go too fast, build on your successes, and before you know it…you’ll be really good at it, and you will come to realize that most of your fears will have been absolutely and totally unfounded.
Good luck out there!
Summary
• Flirting is a direct way for men and women to communicate attraction and interest in a playful manner, eliminating uncertainties often associated with dating.
• Many women are adept at flirting, while men often struggle, leading to misunderstandings of the signals women send.
• Common mistakes men make include flirting with hesitation, apologizing during flirting, needing responses from women, and ignoring subtle cues of attraction.
• Men should approach flirting confidently and without expectation of reciprocation, as emotional independence is attractive.
• Effective flirting involves paying attention to a woman’s subtle cues, such as physical touch, and responding appropriately to establish mutual interest.
• Flirting should be fun, teasing, and playful while maintaining an air of confidence and owning one’s behavior and language.
• Examples of playful flirtation can involve witty banter or light teasing that opens the door for deeper attraction and conversations about potential dates.
• Men should practice social interactions, especially with women they are not attracted to, to build confidence and reduce the pressure of flirting.
• It’s essential to keep a light-hearted attitude and accept that not every attempt at flirting will succeed.
• Building confidence and comfort in social situations can help men become more successful in flirting and dating. This can be achieved by doing “Batting Practice” in typical daily interactions.